What Is The Pause?
When your baby makes noise at night, you pause before responding. That's it. That's the whole thing.
You don't ignore them. You don't let them scream. You just... wait. For a minute. Maybe two. To see what happens next.
Why it works
Babies have sleep cycles just like adults. They wake up briefly between cycles. Adults roll over and go back to sleep. Babies don't know how to do that yet - unless you give them the chance to learn. The pause is that chance.
The Theory
French parents, according to Pamela Druckerman's Bringing Up Bébé, don't rush to their babies the second they make noise. They pause. They observe. They distinguish between different types of cries.
American parents (myself included, before reading this) tend to respond immediately to any sound. We're trying to be attentive. But what we're actually doing is teaching our babies that every wake-up requires intervention.
The pause teaches them something different: that they can handle brief wake-ups on their own.
How We Implemented It
We started the pause around 8 weeks, after we got the okay from our pediatrician. Here's exactly what we did:
Step 1: Listen First
When we heard noise on the monitor, we stopped and listened. Not for long - just 30 seconds. Was it crying? Fussing? Just making noise?
Step 2: The Wait
If it was fussing or light crying, we waited. We watched the monitor. We timed it - one minute, then two.
During those minutes, we were assessing:
- Is the crying escalating or staying steady?
- Is she moving around or still lying down?
- Does this sound like "I'm uncomfortable" or just "I'm between sleep cycles"?
Step 3: The Decision
If the crying escalated - got louder, more urgent, more distressed - we went in.
If it stayed steady or started to decrease, we waited another minute.
If she settled back down, we didn't go in at all.
What actually happened
The first week, she almost never settled herself. We were going in about 80% of the time. The second week, it was more like 60%. By the fourth week, she was settling herself back to sleep about half the time. By three months, she was sleeping through the night most nights. The pause taught her a skill we couldn't teach her any other way.
Different Cries Mean Different Things
This is what the pause helped us learn. Not all cries are created equal.
- The "between cycles" cry: Rhythmic, not escalating, sometimes stops mid-cry. This is the one where the pause works magic.
- The hungry cry: Starts small, builds steadily, doesn't stop. Go feed your baby.
- The "something is wrong" cry: Immediate, loud, urgent. Go to your baby.
- The "I'm uncomfortable" cry: Fussy, intermittent, sometimes accompanied by movement. Check if they're too hot, too cold, diaper needs changing.
The pause gave us time to figure out which cry we were hearing.
How Long Do You Wait?
This is individual. Some parents wait 30 seconds. Some wait 5 minutes. We settled on:
- Under 3 months: 1-2 minutes max
- 3-6 months: 2-3 minutes
- 6+ months: 3-5 minutes
But these are guidelines, not rules. If the cry was escalating, we went in immediately. The pause is about observation, not rigidity.
The Pause vs. Cry It Out
These are not the same thing.
Cry It Out: You put baby down and don't go back in for a set period of time, regardless of the crying.
The Pause: You wait briefly to see if baby needs you or if they're just transitioning between sleep cycles. If they need you, you go.
The pause is gentler. It's responsive. It's about listening and learning, not ignoring.
When The Pause Doesn't Work
Sometimes baby needs you. That's okay. The pause isn't magic.
Times we always went in immediately:
- If she was sick
- After vaccinations
- If she was teething (the cry is different - trust me, you'll know)
- If we were traveling and the environment was off
- Growth spurts when she was genuinely hungry
The point of the pause
The pause isn't about training yourself not to respond to your baby. It's about training yourself to respond appropriately. Sometimes the appropriate response is to wait and see. Sometimes it's to go immediately. The pause helps you know the difference.
Common Mistakes
Things we learned not to do:
- Pausing too long: If you're just letting them cry, that's not the pause. That's something else.
- Not pausing at all: If you're going in every single time they make noise, they'll never learn to self-soothe.
- Inconsistency: Pausing sometimes but not others confuses everyone.
- Pausing when they're sick: Sick babies need comfort, not sleep training.
The Bigger Picture
The pause isn't just about sleep. It's about trust. Trusting that your baby is more capable than you think. Trusting yourself to know when they need you and when they don't.
It made me a more confident parent. Instead of second-guessing every cry, I learned to listen, assess, and respond accordingly. That skill carried over into everything else.
Final thoughts
The pause feels counterintuitive at first. Every instinct tells you to go to your baby immediately. But giving them space to learn is also an act of love. It's uncomfortable for you, yes. But it's a gift to them - the gift of independence, one sleep cycle at a time.