The Kindness Clause
The emotional reality of motherhood. Duality, identity, partnership, anxiety. Named, normalized, not moralized.
One truth I wish someone had said out loud earlier:
To be a mother is to hold two directly opposing, strong desires at the same time.
You will want nothing more than to be alone in a cold dark room, at the same time that you want your child snug in your arms. You will feel both of these desires on a deep, cellular level, and it's exhausting to navigate this duality.
It does get easier to navigate with time, but it's always there. Just be kind to yourself as you adjust to this new reality.
This isn't a flaw. This isn't a failure. This is motherhood. The duality is the point.
The Kindness Clause
Three things I want you to remember when you're in the thick of it:
Trust your instincts.
You know your baby. You know your body. The internet has opinions. You have intuition. When in doubt, trust the thing that's been keeping humans alive for millennia.
Be kind to yourself.
You are learning a new job with no training, no sleep, and a body that's been through a major physical event. The bar for "doing enough" is lower than you think. Fed is enough. Alive is enough. Trying is enough.
Be kind to other parents.
Everyone is doing their best with the information they have and the resources they've got. Different choices aren't wrong choices. This isn't a competition.
What We Talk About Here
The Duality
Wanting two opposite things at once, on a cellular level. Why it happens, how it feels, and how to navigate it without losing your mind.
ReadIdentity
Who am I now? The disorientation of becoming a mother while staying yourself. Grief, growth, and the in-between.
ReadPartnership
Your relationship will change. The resentment, the logistics, the connection. How we navigated it (imperfectly).
ReadAnxiety
The constant worry. Is this normal? When is it too much? The line between vigilance and spiral.
ReadResentment
The feeling nobody talks about. Resenting the baby, your partner, your old life. It doesn't make you a bad person.
ReadEnough
You are enough. Your effort is enough. Your love is enough. A reminder for the hard days.
ReadWhat you won't find here
- Shame. There's enough of that already.
- Absolutism. No "always" or "never" without safety reasons.
- Sanctimony. "Good moms do X" doesn't live here.
- Fake softness. "Mamas, you've got this!" as empty filler.
What you will find
- Honesty. About the hard parts and the good parts.
- Permission. To feel complicated things.
- Company. You're not the only one.
- A sharp spine. Kindness isn't weakness. It's strength.
For the really hard days
Sometimes kindness to yourself means getting help. These are resources I trust:
If you need to talk to someone
- Postpartum Support International: 1-800-944-4773
- Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
For ongoing support
- Good Inside (Dr. Becky) - Child psychologist with a humane approach
- Big Little Feelings - Practical support for parents
- Mum's The Word Podcast - Helped me with a lot of fear going into motherhood
This is not therapy
This site is not a replacement for professional mental health support. If you're struggling, please reach out to a professional. There's no shame in needing help - that's what help is for.
A reminder
This is one of the most humbling (and beautiful) experiences there is - and we're all just trying our best, whatever that looks like for each of us.
You're doing better than you think.