Anxiety
The constant worry. Is this normal? When is it too much? The line between vigilance and spiral.
Here's the hard truth: some level of anxiety is baked into parenthood.
You're now responsible for keeping a tiny, fragile human alive. Your brain knows this. So it stays alert. Vigilant. Always scanning for threats.
This is normal. This is evolution doing its job.
But there's a line. Between healthy vigilance and consuming anxiety. Between "I'm being careful" and "I can't function." And that line is easy to cross.
What Normal Parental Anxiety Looks Like
These worries are common, rational, and usually temporary:
- Checking if the baby is breathing (especially in the early weeks)
- Worrying about SIDS and following safe sleep guidelines religiously
- Being hyperaware of choking risks during feeding
- Googling every rash, cough, or unusual behavior
- Feeling nervous about leaving baby with others (even trusted people)
- Waking up in a panic even when baby is sleeping fine
- Catastrophizing occasionally ("what if something happens to me?")
This is vigilance. It's uncomfortable, but it's functional. It keeps your baby safe.
Why this happens
Postpartum hormones increase anxiety as a protective mechanism. Your brain is designed to be hyperalert to threats during this vulnerable period. It's biology, not weakness.
When Anxiety Crosses the Line
Normal anxiety keeps you alert. Clinical anxiety keeps you paralyzed.
Signs that your anxiety might be postpartum anxiety disorder (PPA) or something that needs professional support:
Physical symptoms:
- Constant racing heart or chest tightness
- Difficulty breathing or hyperventilating
- Dizziness or feeling like you're going to pass out
- Can't eat or constantly nauseous from worry
- Insomnia even when baby is sleeping
Mental symptoms:
- Intrusive thoughts about harm coming to baby (vivid, disturbing, repetitive)
- Inability to put baby down out of fear something will happen
- Avoiding activities (leaving the house, driving, bathing baby) due to catastrophic fears
- Obsessive checking behaviors that interfere with daily life
- Panic attacks
- Feeling like you can't catch your breath emotionally
Functional symptoms:
- Can't delegate care because you're convinced only you can keep baby safe
- Can't sleep even when you have the opportunity
- Can't focus on anything other than potential threats
- Avoiding people or situations that might "expose" your anxiety
This is not your fault
Postpartum anxiety is a medical condition. It's not a character flaw. It's not "just stress." And it's treatable. Please reach out for help if this sounds familiar.
My Experience
I had baseline parental anxiety. The normal kind. Checking if he was breathing, Googling every symptom, feeling nervous about leaving him.
But there were moments when it tipped over. When I couldn't put him down because I was convinced something would happen if I looked away. When I checked the monitor obsessively, even during the day when he was right next to me. When I had intrusive thoughts about worst-case scenarios that I couldn't shake.
I didn't have full-blown PPA. But I was close. And recognizing that helped me course-correct before it got worse.
What helped me:
1. Naming the intrusive thoughts
Instead of trying to suppress them, I named them. "This is an intrusive thought. It's not a premonition. It's anxiety." Labeling them reduced their power.
2. Setting boundaries on checking
I let myself check the monitor once every 15 minutes during naps. Not constantly. Just once. This gave me structure and reduced the compulsion.
3. Delegating (even when it felt impossible)
I let my husband take night shifts. I left the house without the baby. It was terrifying. But proving to myself that the baby was safe without me constant vigilance helped break the cycle.
4. Talking about it
I told my postpartum doula: "I'm having intrusive thoughts about harm coming to the baby." She said: "That's normal. Let's talk about when it becomes a problem." Just naming it out loud made it less isolating.
The Difference Between a Check and a Spiral
Anxiety wants you to keep checking, researching, verifying. But there's a difference between doing something once and doing it compulsively.
| Healthy Check | Anxiety Spiral |
|---|---|
| Check if baby is breathing | Check every 2 minutes all night long |
| Google a symptom once | Google for hours, going down worst-case-scenario rabbit holes |
| Feel nervous leaving baby with someone | Never leave baby with anyone, ever, including your partner |
| Worry about SIDS and follow safe sleep rules | Can't sleep yourself because you're constantly watching baby |
| Have an intrusive thought, acknowledge it, move on | Ruminate on intrusive thoughts for hours, unable to shake them |
If you're stuck in the right column, that's a sign to get support.
How to Manage Baseline Anxiety
These strategies won't cure clinical anxiety. But they can help manage the normal vigilance that comes with new parenthood.
1. Limit Dr. Google
Give yourself one search. Read two sources max. Then close the browser. Googling more doesn't give you certainty - it just feeds the anxiety.
2. Set checking limits
You can check the monitor. But set a rule: once every 15 minutes, or only when you hear a sound. This gives your anxiety structure without letting it run wild.
3. Practice the pause
When you feel the urge to check/research/verify, pause for 30 seconds. Ask yourself: "Is this a real threat, or is this anxiety talking?" Sometimes the answer is anxiety. You can let it pass.
4. Externalize the worry
Write down the catastrophic thought. Then write the realistic thought. Seeing them side-by-side helps your brain distinguish between real risk and imagined risk.
5. Trust the tools
If you have a monitor, trust it. If you have a pediatrician you trust, trust them. You don't need to be the sole guardian of your baby's safety. That's too much pressure.
6. Get sleep
Anxiety is worse when you're exhausted. Prioritize sleep when you can. Tag out with your partner. Let someone else take a shift. Your brain needs rest.
A Note on Intrusive Thoughts
Intrusive thoughts are common. Disturbing, vivid images of harm coming to your baby - or you causing harm. They're terrifying. And they don't mean you're a danger to your child.
Intrusive thoughts are a symptom of anxiety, not intent. They're your brain running worst-case scenarios, not a reflection of what you want to do.
The difference between intrusive thoughts and postpartum psychosis:
- Intrusive thoughts: Disturbing, unwanted, ego-dystonic (you don't want them). You're afraid of them. You know they're irrational.
- Postpartum psychosis: Delusional thoughts that feel real. You believe them. You might act on them. This is a medical emergency.
If you're having intrusive thoughts that distress you but you know they're not real, that's anxiety. If you're having thoughts that feel real and you're compelled to act on them, call 911 or go to the ER immediately.
If you're struggling with intrusive thoughts
Please talk to someone. A therapist, your OB, your pediatrician, a trusted friend. Intrusive thoughts are common, treatable, and not your fault. Postpartum Support International: 1-800-944-4773
When to Get Help
You don't have to wait until it's unbearable. If anxiety is interfering with your ability to function, sleep, or enjoy your baby, that's enough reason to seek support.
Get help if:
- You can't sleep even when baby is sleeping
- You're having frequent panic attacks
- You can't delegate care because of catastrophic fears
- Intrusive thoughts are consuming your mental space
- You're avoiding activities (leaving the house, driving, etc.) due to fear
- Physical symptoms (racing heart, difficulty breathing) are constant
- You feel like you're drowning and can't catch your breath
What treatment looks like:
- Therapy: Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is highly effective for postpartum anxiety.
- Medication: SSRIs are safe for breastfeeding and can be life-changing for PPA.
- Support groups: Talking to other parents with PPA reduces isolation.
- Lifestyle changes: Sleep, exercise, reducing caffeine, delegating care all help.
Resources
Postpartum Support International: 1-800-944-4773 - They can connect you with local providers, support groups, and resources specific to postpartum anxiety.
Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 - For immediate support if you're in crisis.
The Bottom Line
Some anxiety is normal. Vigilance keeps your baby safe. But if anxiety is keeping you from sleeping, functioning, or enjoying your baby, it's too much.
You don't have to live like this. Postpartum anxiety is treatable. And asking for help doesn't make you weak - it makes you smart.
Your baby needs you healthy. That includes mentally healthy. Take care of yourself. You're allowed to feel okay.
Related Reading
- The Duality - The pull between vigilance and letting go.
- Enough - You are doing enough (even when anxiety says you're not).
- Identity - Who am I now? And how do I take care of myself?