Resentment
The feeling nobody talks about. Resenting the baby, your partner, your old life. It doesn't make you a bad person.
Let's say the quiet part out loud: you will resent this baby sometimes.
Not all the time. Not even most of the time. But in moments - when you're exhausted, touched out, and they're crying for the third hour straight - you will feel resentment.
And you'll feel terrible about it. Because you wanted this baby. You love this baby. How can you resent someone you love?
But resentment and love aren't mutually exclusive. You can feel both at once. And that doesn't make you a bad parent. It makes you human.
Who You'll Resent
Resentment doesn't discriminate. It shows up everywhere.
The Baby
For needing so much. For not sleeping. For crying when you've tried everything. For existing in a way that demands your complete attention and leaves nothing for yourself.
This is the hardest one to admit. But it's real. You can love your baby and still resent how much they've taken from you.
Your Partner
For sleeping through the night feeds. For getting to leave the house. For their body bouncing back faster. For "helping" instead of just knowing what needs to be done. For existing in a version of parenthood that looks easier than yours.
Your Old Life
For being gone. For the freedom, the spontaneity, the autonomy. For the version of yourself who could finish a thought, take a shower alone, and make plans without a military-level logistics operation.
Other Parents
The ones whose babies sleep through the night at 6 weeks. The ones who "bounce back" immediately. The ones who make it look easy. The ones who seem to love every second while you're just surviving.
Yourself
For not being better at this. For not enjoying it more. For feeling resentment in the first place when you "should" be grateful.
This is normal
Resentment is a normal human response to loss, exhaustion, and being stretched too thin. It doesn't mean you're failing. It means you're overwhelmed.
What Resentment Looks Like
Resentment isn't always obvious. Sometimes it's subtle. Sometimes it's a slow build. Here's what it looked like for me:
The snapping
Your partner asks a simple question - "Where are the wipes?" - and you snap. Not because the question is unreasonable. But because you're tired of being the one who knows where everything is.
The scorekeeping
You're mentally tallying who did more. Who got more sleep. Who changed more diapers. You're keeping score, and the score always feels unfair.
The bitterness
You see your partner leave for work and feel bitter. They get to have adult conversations, eat lunch uninterrupted, use the bathroom alone. Meanwhile, you're covered in spit-up and haven't brushed your teeth.
The guilt spiral
You feel resentment toward the baby. Then you feel guilty for feeling resentment. Then you resent yourself for feeling guilty. It's a spiral that feeds itself.
The comparison trap
You see another parent's Instagram - their baby sleeping peacefully, their clean house, their put-together outfit - and you feel resentment. Not toward them, exactly. Just toward the gap between their reality and yours.
Why It Happens
Resentment isn't random. It shows up for specific reasons:
1. Loss of autonomy
Your time, your body, your choices - none of it is fully yours anymore. Resentment is the emotional response to that loss.
2. Unmet expectations
You thought motherhood would feel a certain way. It doesn't. The gap between expectation and reality breeds resentment.
3. Exhaustion
Sleep deprivation makes everything harder. When you're running on empty, resentment fills the tank.
4. Imbalance
When the load isn't shared equally - whether in your partnership, your household, or your mental capacity - resentment grows.
5. Lack of acknowledgment
You're doing so much. And nobody sees it. Nobody thanks you. Nobody acknowledges how hard this is. That invisibility breeds resentment.
The research
Studies show that resentment in new parents is linked to unequal division of labor, unmet expectations, and lack of support. It's not a personal failing - it's a structural issue.
The Guilt That Comes With It
Here's what makes resentment so hard: the guilt.
You feel resentment. Then you feel guilty for feeling resentment. Because "good mothers" don't resent their babies. "Grateful people" don't resent their blessings. Right?
Wrong.
Resentment doesn't cancel out love. You can love your baby and resent the sleep deprivation. You can be grateful for your family and resent the loss of your old life. These feelings coexist.
The guilt doesn't help. It just adds another layer of emotional labor. You're allowed to feel resentment without layering shame on top of it.
What helped me
Naming it without judgment. "I'm feeling resentment right now." Not "I'm a bad mother for feeling resentment." Just naming the feeling and letting it exist without making it mean something about my character.
How to Handle Resentment
You can't eliminate resentment. But you can manage it so it doesn't consume you.
1. Name it
Say it out loud. To yourself, to your partner, to a friend. "I'm feeling resentment." Naming it takes away some of its power.
2. Identify the source
What specifically are you resenting? The baby crying? Your partner's freedom? The loss of your identity? Get specific. Vague resentment festers. Specific resentment can be addressed.
3. Address the imbalance (if possible)
If you're resenting your partner for sleeping more, have a conversation about alternating nights. If you're resenting the mental load, delegate specific tasks. Not everything is fixable, but some things are.
4. Take space
Sometimes resentment is just exhaustion in disguise. Take a break. Let someone else hold the baby. Go for a walk. Sleep. Resentment is often easier to process when you're not in survival mode.
5. Separate feeling from action
Feeling resentment doesn't mean you act on it. You can feel resentment toward your baby and still care for them lovingly. The feeling doesn't dictate your behavior.
6. Lower your expectations
Resentment often comes from the gap between how you thought things would be and how they are. Adjusting your expectations doesn't mean giving up. It means being realistic.
7. Find someone who gets it
Talk to another parent who will say "yes, me too" instead of "but you should be grateful." The validation matters.
When Resentment Becomes a Problem
Normal resentment is temporary, situational, and doesn't interfere with your ability to function or bond with your baby.
But if resentment is constant, consuming, and affecting your relationship with your baby or partner, it might be a sign of something more serious.
Signs to watch for:
- You feel constant resentment toward your baby, not just in hard moments
- You're having thoughts about harming yourself or your baby
- You feel detached or numb toward your baby
- Resentment is affecting your ability to care for your baby
- You're withdrawing from your partner, friends, or support system
- You feel hopeless, like this will never get better
These are signs of postpartum depression or anxiety, not just "normal" resentment. And they're treatable.
Get help
If resentment feels overwhelming or constant, please reach out for support. Postpartum Support International: 1-800-944-4773. You don't have to feel this way.
When Does It Get Better?
Resentment doesn't disappear overnight. But it does ease.
| Phase | Resentment Level |
|---|---|
| Weeks 1-6 | High. You're in survival mode. Everything feels unfair. |
| Weeks 6-12 | Peak resentment. Sleep is still terrible. The novelty has worn off. This is the hardest phase. |
| Months 3-6 | Resentment starts to ease as sleep improves and routines stabilize. |
| Months 6-12 | Occasional resentment, usually situational. Not constant. |
| 12+ months | Resentment is rare. You've adjusted. The hard parts are still hard, but they're manageable. |
Your timeline might be different. But it does get better. The resentment you feel now won't last forever.
The Bottom Line
Resentment is a normal response to being stretched too thin, losing autonomy, and navigating an impossible transition.
You can love your baby and resent them. You can be grateful and bitter. You can want this life and miss your old one. All of it can be true at the same time.
Feeling resentment doesn't make you a bad parent. It makes you human. And being human is enough.
Name it. Process it. Ask for help. And give yourself grace. You're doing harder work than most people realize.
Related Reading
- Partnership - Resentment in relationships and how to navigate it.
- Identity - Grieving your old life while building a new one.
- Enough - You are doing enough, even when resentment says otherwise.