The Duality Is Real
I love my baby. I also need to be alone. Both things are true. At the same time. On a cellular level.
The Moment
Week 3 postpartum. My husband takes Forest for a walk so I can shower and have 30 minutes to myself. I'm thrilled. Finally, space to breathe.
Ten minutes later, I'm standing in the kitchen eating crackers and crying because I miss the baby.
They've been gone for ten minutes.
I wanted them to leave. I need them to come back. I want to be alone. I can't stand being apart. Both feelings exist simultaneously, and neither one cancels out the other.
This is the duality. And nobody warned me it would feel this disorienting.
The Conflict
Before becoming a mother, I understood trade-offs. I understood choosing one thing over another. This isn't that.
The duality of early motherhood is holding two opposite truths at the same time:
- I would die for this baby. I also fantasize about running away.
- I'm overwhelmed by how much I love them. I'm also touched out and need them to stop needing me for five minutes.
- I miss them when they're sleeping. I also pray they stay asleep for just one more hour.
- I'm terrified something will happen to them. I'm also terrified I'll be the one responsible 24/7 forever.
- This is the most meaningful thing I've ever done. This is also the most relentless, exhausting thing I've ever done.
You can't logic your way out of it. You can't choose one feeling over the other. They both exist. They're both valid. And they will make you feel like you're losing your mind.
The part nobody says out loud
Sometimes you will resent your baby. Not because you don't love them. Because you're a human being who needs sleep and autonomy and your own body back. This doesn't make you a bad mother. It makes you honest.
The Learning
Month 2, my postpartum doula said something that helped: "You're allowed to hold multiple truths. The duality isn't a problem to solve. It's the reality of this stage."
Here's what I figured out:
The Duality Is Biological
Your brain is flooded with oxytocin, making you obsessed with your baby. Your body is also depleted, touched out, and desperate for rest. Evolution didn't optimize for your comfort - it optimized for baby's survival. The result is you feeling pulled in two directions constantly.
Both Needs Are Real
You need to be with your baby. You also need to be alone. You're not being dramatic. You're not being selfish. You need both things. Figure out how to get both, even in small doses.
The Duality Doesn't Mean You're Doing It Wrong
If motherhood felt unambiguously joyful all the time, you'd be in a pharmaceutical commercial, not real life. The hard parts don't cancel out the good parts. The resentment doesn't mean you don't love your baby. It means you're human.
It Gets Less Intense
Not gone - less intense. As baby gets older and less dependent, the duality softens. You get more space. You get more sleep. Your body becomes your own again. The intensity of the newborn phase doesn't last forever.
What helped us
Scheduled breaks - even 20 minutes made a difference. Baby wearing when I needed them close but also needed my hands free. Talking about the duality out loud with my husband so I didn't feel insane. Therapy. Reminding myself that feeling two opposite things at once doesn't mean something is wrong with me.
The Updated Rule
Stop trying to resolve the duality. You won't. Both feelings are true. Both feelings will stay true. Your job is not to pick one - it's to make space for both.
Practical ways to do this:
- Build in breaks, even short ones - 15 minutes alone counts
- Let yourself miss the baby while also enjoying the space
- Talk about the hard parts without guilt - loving your baby and struggling with motherhood are not mutually exclusive
- Stop judging yourself for needing both closeness and distance
- Know that this intensity fades - not immediately, but it does
What I'd tell past me
The duality doesn't mean you're broken. It means you're a whole person with needs that don't disappear just because you became a mother. You're allowed to love your baby and also need space from them. You're allowed to feel grateful and also overwhelmed. You're allowed to be everything at once. That's not a flaw. That's motherhood.
Not medical advice
This is my experience with the emotional complexity of early motherhood. If you're experiencing postpartum depression, anxiety, or intrusive thoughts, talk to your doctor. These feelings are common, but help is available.